Speaking in Sacrament Meeting

Whenever James and I speak, our mothers ask for a copy of of our talks. For whatever reason, we never seem to get around to it. But since so many people in our ward also asked for copies, I thought we'd post it here and share our testimonies with anyone who is interested. (Please forgive the formatting, as much of it was lost when copied and pasted.)

***********

Nurturing Marriage
August 17, 2008
Allie Thornbrue

• Today I have been asked to speak on nurturing marriage. And before the children, youth, or single adults in attendance tune me out, I’d like them to consider my remarks as they relate to current relationships and future marriages. The topic is rather appropriate as James and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary this week. Dealing with a demanding job, sick children, and ever-mounting household responsibilities, we woke up that morning both looking bad, feeling worse, and thinking, “After all these years, it has all come down to this…I hope you’re not too disappointed.” In truth, our life together is better than I had imagined, and I look forward to the years ahead.
  
  · As I began my research for my talk, naturally my mind linked healthy marriages to couples who exhibit charity. I kept coming back to Peter’s second epistle where he maps out instructions for attaining charity, and thus eternal life (and here I’d like to add ultimate joy in eternal marriage). The process of adding one godly attribute to another is outlined as such: “[…]Add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity…wherefore, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election made sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall” (vs. 5-10).
  
  · We have to have charity to have the unconditional guarantee of exaltation in the highest kingdom of glory. And since I cannot be there without my spouse, I’d really like to believe we both have the charity that will get us there. But I have certainly not had the personal witness that say Enos, Alma the Elder, and the Three Nephites apparently had. According to Peter, they must have had (among other things) this so-called charity. We talk about charity all the time, but during my preparation this week, I decided it was time I came to understand what charity really is and how it relates to my marriage.
  
  · It is easy to think of charity as simply being nice to people. I love my husband and kids. I am kind to strangers at the supermarket. I donate time at the homeless shelter. But Bruce R. McConkie states that charity is “…more than love, far more; it is everlasting love, perfect love, the pure love of Christ which ‘endureth forever’. Above all the attributes of godliness and perfection, charity is the one most devoutly to be desired” (Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 19).
  
  · Elder Marvin J. Ashton listed behaviors by which we can gage how close we are to becoming charitable. He said, “The greatest charity comes when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us…” (Conference Report, Apr. 1992, 24).
  
  · It was after reading those remarks that a realization hit me. I don’t have charity! I am sometimes guilty of the very things just mentioned. Am I trying to love people, particularly James, the way I should? Sure. But clearly there is plenty of room for improvement. Because if I had charity, I wouldn’t ever be critical again. Charity “endureth forever.” People who have charity never go back. That is why Peter says that people who have their calling and election made sure “shall never fall.”
  
  · So, I went back to Peter who gave us a stepping ladder for acquiring the virtues that will eventually get us to true charity. Interestingly, the order does matter. Let’s start at the bottom—in a perhaps obvious starting place:
  
  #1 Diligently cultivate faith. You’ve got to want to believe. Faith is hope for things not seen that are true. We have to hope that there actually is a savior who atoned for our sins and who made it possible for us to be resurrected like him. As our faith is cultivated through studying, pondering and praying about the word of God, our testimony grows. We are then ready to implement step two.
  
  #2 Achieve Virtue. Alma talks about exercising a particle of faith. Accepting his challenge to “experiment upon his words” helps us acquire virtue. Virtue refers to both chastity and good works. In other words, once you have a testimony of what God wants you to do, you do it. That includes receiving all those ordinances and making all those covenants that God would have us make.
  
  #3 Increase Knowledge. It is now time to take your understanding to the next level. This means taking the time everyday to think about spiritual things. Coming to understand the “mysteries of God” means learning how to apply the atonement to your life. It means taking time to ponder and understand the endowment and remember the covenants you have made. It means being prepared to receive revelation for yourself and family. It means truly understanding the doctrine of Christ.
  
  #4 Exercise Temperance. Once you have an understanding of the doctrine, naturally you begin to exhibit self-control. It means bridling our passions—including hunger, thirst, and fatigue. It means not getting angry, even if tired, when a child spills a plate of food on a floor that you stayed up late to clean. It means taking the time to ask about your husband’s day, even if you’re grumpy, because the last meal you had time to eat was yesterday’s peanut butter sandwich.
  
  #5 Patience. It is only after we have learned temperance that we can even begin to acquire patience. This means enduring well through all challenges God sees fit to inflict. We are talking Job-like patience. We know a family who just lost their 18-month-old. Just two years ago, the father was a professing atheist. But two days after his daughter’s death he stood up in church, and like Job, bore testimony that “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21-22)! It is also interesting to note that in the last verse of that chapter in Job, it states that, “In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.”
  
  #6 Acquire Godliness. Only now are we beginning cast off the natural man. Only now are we performing our religious duties with such dutifulness that we can access the realms of spirituality that before, were not available to us. It is here that priesthood bearers begin to understand the magnitude of their power. It is here that parents and spouses begin to understand their grave responsibility to each other and to their children.
  
  #7 Treat others with Brotherly Kindness. Let us look back down the ladder. Because we persued those virtues at the bottom, we become godly. And because of our godliness, we therefore treat others with brotherly kindness. After all, we are all brothers and sisters. We are the literal offspring of a king. And finally we treat each other as such.
  
  #8 Charity. The last wrung is charity. But we need to look at Moroni 7:48 to understand that final step. Remember that charity is the pure love of Christ. Moroni teaches that we should “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with His love, which He hath bestowed upon all who are the true followers of His Son, Jesus Christ; that when He shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is”.
  
  There are two things that I would like to point out. The first is that charity is not something that we do. It is a gift from God that is bestowed upon those who are worthy. Charity is the gift to be like Jesus, in that we are able to love other people the way that He loves them.
  
  The second is that charity is the gift to see. If you recall, not everyone saw Jesus as He really was. The triumphal entry was significant in that only a few recognized Christ as royalty. The palm fronds were to keep Jesus from touching the ground, as was the tradition for any king. But some people saw Jesus only as the son of Joseph the carpenter. Others thought him to be a drunkard because of his words. Still others thought he was possessed of devils.
  
  · The question, then, is do you see Christ as he is—as King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Do you see your spouse as Jesus sees him or her, likewise as a king or queen? According to Peter, unless we have true charity, then we do not.
  
  · So, let us apply Peter’s steps to acquiring charity to marriage. Marriage, in my opinion, should be the easiest forum to put these principles to practice. If charity is perfect love, then shouldn’t our spouse—the one person whom we are commanded to love second only to God—be the recipient of such charity? Isn’t that why we got married in the first place? Because we loved that person more than anyone else on the planet?
  
  · True love is obtained when we care for someone more than we care about ourselves. That is what the atonement was all about. As our righteousness grows, so does our capacity to love. Perhaps that is what Charles Wallis meant when he said, “Love is not blind—it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”
  
  · May God help me the charity to love James as much as our Savior loves him. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

***********

Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan

James Thornbrue

Wednesday was my ninth wedding anniversary. I had a proposal due at work, I was getting a cold from one of the kids, and I stayed up way too late the night before doing research for this talk. I think I read every scripture and every conference talk there is on marriage. Not only did every talk say essentially the same thing, but I couldn’t think of anything personal that I might add.

A story illustrates how I was feeling about the topic of marriage:
A child was doing a drug prevention project with her class at school, and her mother handed her an old t-shirt that she could use. She proudly wore it home that day. On the front it said, “A family is forever”. On the back it said, “Be smart, don’t start”.

I was asked to base my talk on an address by Elder David A. Bednar found in the June, 2006 Ensign. The title is “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan”.
When I was talking to Allie on Wednesday morning about my frustrations preparing this talk, I had a sudden, profound insight that I will share with you today. It involves the role of a wife in our Heavenly Father’s the plan of salvation, and it came in response to the question, “Why did God make man incomplete”.

Before I begin, I would like to say two things.
1. First, I am going to speak directly to the men. Your wives have superior linguistic skills. As I’m talking to you, they will transpose the words “wife” with “husband” and figure out that everything also applies to them. I don’t want the men to get confused.

2. Second, to those who are not happily married, for any reason—a perfectly loving Father in Heaven has promised all the blessings and experiences that come with eternal marriage. Marriage is a most rewarding experience—it’s also the hardest thing I have ever done. From my perspective, a perfectly just Father in Heaven is going to make sure you have to do it too!

Again, this talk is about how marriage fits into the plan of salvation. In my mind, the plan of salvation is about the fall of man and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that I can be saved from my sins only through His infinite sacrifice.

What I realized as I was preparing this talk is that I can not be saved through Jesus Christ alone. There is another on whom I rely for my salvation.
In 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, Paul says (in verse 16)
“For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
Modern revelation expands upon this doctrine. In Doctrine and Covenants 131:2-3 it says,
“And in order to obtain the highest [degree of glory], a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.”

Just as Jesus Christ is my personal Savior, so too is my wife essential to my salvation.
When Jesus Christ called Himself the Bridegroom, he taught that the relationship between a man and wife parallels the personal relationship that each of us must develop with our Savior.
How can we prove that we love the Lord when he’s not around? More importantly, how can we learn to love Him? Marriage provides the opportunity and the real, day-to-day experience that brings us closer to Christ.
“Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these your [wife], ye have done it unto me.” (Matthew 25:40)

In a way, my wife takes His place at my side. As I learn to love her, I learn to love Him as well. With my wife, I share my hopes and fears. Together, we experience heartache and joy. With her, I share the most intimate and tender details of my life. Through her sacrifice and unconditional love for me, I experience what it is to be in His presence.

It has been said that women get married hoping that they can change their husbands, that men get married hoping that their wives will stay the same, and that both are frequently disappointed.
Brethren, our wives divine purpose in the plan of salvation is to teach us how to come unto Christ. To do so, we must be willing to change.
The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that our religion requires the sacrifice of all things (Lectures on Faith [1985], 69).

As we draw closer to the Savior, we substitute our own desires for His. Most of us do it one little bit at a time, but eventually we must sacrifice, completely, our will to His, saying “Thy will, not mine be done”.
This is the marriage relationship—stripped of all pride—a complete sacrifice of one for the other.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (Eph. 5:25.)
Brethren, we can not be saved alone. Just as Christ sacrificed Himself, so, too, our wives sacrifice themselves physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually for us. Ultimately, she, too, will save us.

For the rest of my talk, I’d like to talk about a very specific approach to strengthening your marriage relationship.
First, how many of you would like to receive personal revelation today? Brethren, go home and ask your wives how you can be a better husband. I guarantee that you will receive a personal revelation. It might be a very long one.

Let me spare you by telling you that the single cause of all marriage problems is selfishness.
I was talking to a co-worker after one of my children was born. She told me that she was “much too selfish to have kids.” I told her that having children would solve her problem in a hurry. You see, the Lord’s plan is completely backwards from what the world teaches. The world would say that if we are unselfish, then we show it by serving others. It defines us by what we are now rather than what we may become. The Lord teaches the opposite. In order to become unselfish, we must serve others. Charity is not an attribute that we have that makes us love our wives. Charity in marriage is a gift that God gives to us as we learn to love our wives.

Brethren, I do not recommend that you go home and ask your wives what you are doing wrong. I think that’s a bad idea. Early on, I discovered a simple formula for a happy marriage: it is better to leave some things unsaid.
I’d like to illustrate this point with the parable of the grapefruit.

As a newlywed, one sister read in a magazine that a couple should have regular, candid discussions in which they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying. She related the following experience:
“We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?
“After I finished with my five things, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. He paused and then said, ‘To tell the truth, honey, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you.’
“I gasped and quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face.”

Brethren, our wives are perfect.
If you don’t like the way she eats grapefruit, think of some way that you can treat her a little more kindly and be a little less selfish. Then quietly, without ever telling her, change your own behavior. Do this over and over and over. This is the formula for a happy marriage.
I want to emphasize that by applying this process, you are not just learning to tolerate her shortcomings. That outcome would only make her happy. Instead, one of two things will happen:
1. Most of the time, your heart will be changed completely without her having to change a thing.
2. The rest of the time, her behavior will change spontaneously because of your example.
In both cases, the problem is resolved without any unkind word ever being spoken. You will find that joy in marriage is completely within your power.
President Hinckley taught that the remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance.

In conclusion, I want to emphasize that man can not be saved alone. For a very wise purpose, God made us incomplete.
I know that I have a Savior who died for me. Through His atonement, I am forgiven of my sins. No one else could do that for me. I love Him and want to be like Him. I long to be with Him.
When the presence of God withdrew from Moses … .he was left unto himself. And as he was left unto himself, he fell unto the earth. And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed. (Moses 1:9-10)

I thank the Lord that I am not left alone! Although He is not with me, He sent His angel to walk beside me, to lift up my hands, and carry my burdens. Through her and with her I will have eternal life.